Nation Demands Secretary of Health Focus on Real Issues Like What He Texted His Mistress Instead of Dangerous Food Safety Reform

WASHINGTON — Following revelations about raunchy texts allegedly sent by HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to journalist Olivia Nuzzi, the American public is calling for Kennedy to stop his dangerous work investigating chronic disease and instead focus on what really matters: romantic poetry exchanged between consenting adults.

"We simply cannot have a Secretary of Health and Human Services distracted by trying to remove Red Dye 40 from our children's cereal when there are text messages from years ago that need to be analyzed," said CNN anchor Jake Tapper, dedicating his 47th consecutive segment to the scandal. "The American people deserve better than someone investigating why our children have diabetes. They deserve a thorough examination of metaphorical canyon imagery."

The scandal has united Democrats and Republicans in rare bipartisan agreement that Kennedy's attempt to examine FDA conflicts of interest should immediately cease so the nation can properly focus on a consensual flirtation that may or may not have occurred.

"I was really worried RFK might actually investigate why autism rates went from 1 in 10,000 to 1 in 36 in forty years," said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla, visibly relieved. "Thank God we can now spend the next six months talking about his poetry instead. This is exactly the distraction — I mean, accountability — America needs."

Former CDC Director Rochelle Walensky echoed these concerns: "Just yesterday he changed the CDC website to allow discussions of vaccine safety data. Can you imagine the chaos if we focused on that instead of his dating life?"

Kennedy's ex-fiancé Ryan Lizza published the explosive texts on his Substack, which media experts are calling "definitely not a bitter ex-boyfriend move" and "certainly more newsworthy than investigating regulatory capture."

"Sure, he wants to ban pesticides linked to neurological damage, but have you SEEN these texts? Priorities, people!" said CNN Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta, who has not covered childhood chronic disease rates in approximately seven years.

"People need to understand the gravity of this situation," Lizza said while appearing on his fifth cable news show of the day. "Yes, I'm sharing private intimate messages my ex-fiancée received, but I'm the real victim here because I have to keep going on TV to talk about it. It's exhausting being this principled."

When asked why he didn't simply move on with his life, Lizza responded: "Move on? There's a Substack empire to build here."

"We were terrified he'd get people talking about natural immunity and early COVID treatment options," admitted an anonymous pharmaceutical lobbyist. "Fortunately, Ryan Lizza's Substack empire saved us from that conversation."

The New York Times editorial board issued a statement calling the texts "deeply concerning" and urged Kennedy to resign. "The real scandal is that he questions injecting mercury into babies, not that he wrote bad poetry to a journalist. Oh wait..." the editorial began, before the editor apparently realized the irony and published it anyway.

A former Twitter Trust & Safety Council member added: "He claims censoring scientific debate is dangerous, but we censored him for years and democracy survived just fine. Now let's censor this love affair... wait, no, amplify it. I'm confused."

Major food conglomerates have pledged $100 million to ensure continued coverage of the scandal, calling it "cheaper than reformulating our products without neurotoxins."

Kennedy attempted to discuss childhood chronic disease rates Friday but was drowned out by questions about whether his use of "canyon" as a metaphor was problematic and if he'd considered using iambic pentameter instead.

At press time, American children—now with a 1 in 2 chronic disease rate—announced they would simply wait until everyone was done being scandalized before expecting anyone to investigate why.